Thursday, August 14, 2008

Room Doom

How to find a room in New York.

Step 1: Craigslist
Spend three days solidly on Craigslist, that is 24 hours to make best use of the time difference. Look at every ad that might just be somehow interesting in the slightest.

Step 2: Email
Write at least 100 emails with lots of positive words and exclamation marks in the subject line. Don't really lie about yourself but make sure you note down all the most positive aspects of your personality.

Next steps to follow in future posts. Meanwhile, lets have a look at possible new house mates.

Shall we use the help of this gentleman: 'I take pride in the number of people I have placed sight-unseen'. NUH UH. 'Sight-unseen' is not for the faint hearted. With an average deposit of 1.5 months rent and the rent being a minimum of around $800 (unless you want to live in a 'room' in the hallway) you'd be almost $2000 lighter while still halfway around the world.

Maybe this one: 'My level of cleanliness is best described as clean.'. Aha. And she'd 'prefer a guy but a really laid-back, unselfish female would be great too.' Oh dear not me then. Too female and selfish, for sure.

The next ad is devided into the categories 'The room, the apartment, the hood'. Sounds like an authentic New York experience. 'The hood'. Yeah. Uh huh check it out now.

Maybe him: 'Vegetarian but not preachy about it. Looking for someone who pays the bills on time, likes my dog, and is clean but not a clean freak.' Not preachy about vegetarian means if sausage has been cooked in a pan you can roast your meat-free soya burgers in it without having to deep-clean and sterilise it? Yeah I can live with that.

Then this: '420 friendly but Please, No Cigarettes!'. Dear me cigarettes. Bah. Never. Too Stinky. Dope's fine though (that's what '420 friendly' means, according to Google). Alright. NEXT.

'I really just want to meet someone who would be cool to live with.' Sounds heart-rending. This 'woman of leisure' offers me a great deal: 'this apartment is real intimate, railroad style. So whoever moves in will have a lack of privacy since I will have to walk through your room to use the kitchen and bathroom. This is not a problem when both people are in the same mental space.' Aha. EXCUSE ME? We are still talking about $800 a month. And you want to walk through my room?

Well maybe this sounds promising: '$900 I NEED A ROOMIE OR A ROOM'. Ahh. We then see 3 (!) images of the gentleman himself, who's 'not the average 20 year old' and who's 'leaving the city of brotherly love.' Sniff.

How about this: '$995 Room in SOHO loft.' "NOT POSSIBLE!!!", my friend goes, clicking on the link to the ad anyway. And here's the deal: 'There is no kitchen or bathroom in the room.' Great. Just what I need for almost a 1000 dollars a month. A flat with one room and nothing else. People in New York must be MENTAL!

Let's see this: 'The space is awesome, there are three other bedrooms occupied by nice women who aren't home that much.' Uh. Ok. It's not like I'm actually keen to move in with 3 other people to then never see them. But the good news is 'they are nice people and won't steal your stuff'. Well that's a relief.

And here's my final and favourite: '$930. luckily for you, this place is a sick, sick deal.' Sounds kinda bad in a good way. But then: 'the catch is that the bedrooms have no Windows. but this is a small price to pay for the low rent. luckily there is plenty of light and air upstairs.' No windows and now air downstairs but upstairs. Well that's a clear proposition. Sleep as little as possible and you'll survive.

Good luck!

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